When Losses Compound

Lindsey Whissel Fenton: We have addressed some of the misconceptions about grief. But another harmful assumption when it comes to bereavement, especially in marginalized communities, is the stereotype that, for example, that African American youth are desensitized to violence. What effect is that perception have on them and their trajectory and their grief experience and their life experience?

Tashel Bordere: This is the essence of my work, quite honestly, Lindsey. This is the heart of why I'm in this field and why I get up and do this very emotionally tolling work on a daily basis is that we have a large number of youths who are misunderstood. Quite frankly, we know that teenagers are often misunderstood by adults, right? Who think that they don't know as much as they actually do know, teens across you know, of all backgrounds. But what we see when we see teenagers who appear to be unaffected is teens who have decided that they're not going to show their cards to people who are not going to provide support anyway. What we see are teenagers who have you know, if we're talking about black teenage males and is very calm, they're commonly described as desensitized and, and, you know, they don't care they don't value lives, their lives and other lives. And instead, what we see are teenagers who are struggling to survive. We're seeing teenagers who have who have not been properly protected, who have not received the protection, the police protection, the protection and their educational experiences that have been necessary. Their basic rights have not been in place structures have not been in place to facilitate their success, their emotional well-being their mental health as they have navigated all of these different spaces. I have never, I have not, to this date sat across from a teenager or a young adult, college student in a research interview, who has not expressed sadness, frustration, or anger. Who has not shared tears, who has not described the loss of their cared-about person as anything less than significant and devastating. But when you navigate space in which you are critiqued for a normal grief reaction, when your losses are not acknowledged and spaces are not allocated to you to demonstrate that you're cared-about person matters, that you matter your feelings matter, then then we will not see them demonstrate their emotions to us. When we give our youth spaces to talk about their experiences, to process their loss experiences, they do. They do. Like every other child. black children are no different. They are human. They have feelings, they are impacted by loss, they are not desensitized. One thing that we know historically for black populations is that black kids like black adults, and people of color, have not had the time and the luxury of pausing to deal with these multitude of losses that are encountered in all of these different societal environments. And so, there is this notion that I need to push forward. But don't mistake that for apathy or desensitization, you can never grow tired of losing significant people in your life, we can never grow tired of watching the people, the only people we had to count on die through due to healthcare disparities. So, diabetes, so not just violence around you, but they're going to be more your family members and friends who are protecting you in the absence of the police protection that you are due, or the protection in schools that you are due. You're watching the very people who were taking care of you be at risk, higher risk for dying. No, these kids are just trying to push through. They're trying to put one foot in front of another just to function and survive. And in the absence of an opportunity of opportunities to process their grief and in spaces where they can get trustworthy care. What we have is we have children who are growing up, they're having to move forward and still focused in school. But they're also we have to we cannot deny that they're also carrying around a lot of anger that is right- and justifiably so that ends up sometimes manifesting itself in destructive ways. And we have to call that grief too. So, no they’re not desensitize. And I'm so glad that you asked that and much of my work has been built around helping people understand that grief looks different. And people have to manage their grief in ways that contribute to their survival. Note, I didn't say resiliency, I said survival. Basic survival.