Boundaries

Setting boundaries involves defining our physical, emotional, and psychological limits and developing strategies for how to uphold them with ourselves and with others. Healthy boundaries help create healthy relationships. Boundaries are especially important when it comes to big feelings situations like grief and loss.

What's Ours vs. What's Theirs

We can’t control how someone else thinks, feels, or behaves. All we can control is what energy and behavior we allow into our lives and how we respond to it.

Boundaries are about taking responsibility for ourselves and our experience. Rather than telling someone else what they can or can't do, boundaries are our way of letting someone else know what we will and will not tolerate.

If someone says or does something that violates our boundaries, we can choose to communicate, set limits, and, if necessary, disengage.

It's normal and okay for boundaries to change. What feels good one day might not feel good another. You always have the right to determine your own boundaries.

Establishing Boundaries

Being in touch with our emotions is the first step to determining our boundaries. Often if we feel angry, resentful, irritated, or anxious, it's an indication what a boundary has been violated.

• Reflect on the behavior that elicited this response and consider what we need to feel more comfortable. As we do this, consider the other person's unique identity, such as differences in values, experiences, and ability. It's important we realistically consider their ability to meet our need(s) because it may help us determine how to set our boundary.
• Separate our needs from their behavior. It's our responsibility to honor our needs. It's their responsibility to manage their emotions when we communicate our needs.
• Use clear language when we communicate our boundaries and expectations, making specific requests of their behavior.
• Decide what behavior we will use to enforce our boundary. For example, if someone ignores our boundary around when to call or visit, we can choose to not answer the phone or doorbell.
• It's normal for others to test our boundaries. It doesn't mean they are bad people, it's just human nature. Be prepared to communicate and enforce a boundary multiple times.

Identifying and communicating our boundaries can feel uncomfortable, especially if it's something we haven't done before. These are learnable skills that can become easier with practice.

Get Specific

Here are some examples of vague statements a kid or teen might make and an alternative, more specific version.

Many of us weren't taught about boundaries. It's common to feel uncomfortable, resistant, or even afraid as you learn how to establish, communicate, and uphold your boundaries. The more you do it, the easier it will be.

When you interact with the kids and teens in your life, remember to respect the boundaries they set for themselves.

Examples of Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are unique to each person and each situation. Below are some examples of healthy boundaries:

• That is not something I am comfortable talking about.
  
• Thank you for inviting me to play. I need some time to myself today.
• I want to be a good friend to you and I feel like this is something you should talk to a grownup about.
• I don't want to give Uncle Bill a hug.
• If you keep yelling at me, I'm going to walk away.
• I feel uncomfortable talking behind that person's back. Let's talk about something else.
• I appreciate your concern. I don't want to share details about what happened.
• I feel unsafe when you touch me that way. I would appreciate it if you did not do it again.
• Those type of comments make me uncomfortable. Please do not talk about my appearance.

Although verbalizing our boundaries is not necessary to enforce them, knowing how to communicate our expectations is helpful.

People May Not Like Our Boundaries—And That's Okay

If someone is speaking to us in a tone we don't like, we might communicate a boundary around how we will and will not be spoken to. If they disregard our boundary and continue to speak to us in a way that doesn't feel good, we might choose to leave the situation.

They might be upset that we left—and that's okay. They are responsible for managing their feelings around us disengaging just as we are responsible for managing our feelings around their tone.

Remember, boundaries are about us. It is never our job to manage someone else’s emotions. That includes their reaction to our boundaries.

Sharing What You Know

You can help the kids and teens in your life learn to develop healthy boundaries by setting and maintaining them yourself. It's also important that you respect their boundaries. This can look like not forcing a child to give someone a hug if they don't want to or giving them the autonomy to accept or deny help rather than just jumping in.