Two teenage girls hugging

Repair

Skill-building

When feelings are big, the potential for misunderstandings can be big as well. It’s important to learn how to navigate conflict in a way that strengthens connection rather than weakening or ending it.

Ruptures and Repairs

  • A rupture is a break in the connection between two people.
  • Repair what we do to re-establish connection through healthy communication.

The ability to repair a ruptures in a healthy way is one of the most valuable skills any of us can learn. It’s what allows us to continue to grow a relationship with someone beyond a moment of disconnection.

"Repair is tough. It brings us into contact with our own distress and guilt. And repair is critical."

Dr. Becky Kennedy, PhD Clinical Psychologist and Author of "Good Inside"

Mistakes & Conflicts are Normal

Mistakes Happen

Making mistakes is an uncomfortable yet normal part of supporting someone who is experiencing a loss. It's important that we own and grow from our mistakes. It's equally important that we do not let our shame or frustration shut down continued attempts of support.

Conflict is Healthy

If a kid or teen in your life has experienced a rupture in a relationship, let them know that conflict is normal and healthy. Explain that ruptures are opportunities to strengthen relationships. Assure them that repair is possible and that they can learn skills that will help them navigate this process.

In Practice

Here's what it looks like to respond to conflict using healthy communication strategies that contribute reconnection:

  • Pause

  • Acknowledge what happened/ that there is conflict

  • Communicate your feelings without blaming the other person

  • Listen to the other person if they share their feelings without getting defensive

  • If needed, ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand the other person’s point of view.

  • If appropriate and authentic, apologize for your contribution to the problem

  • In your mind, separate the person from the problem (i.e., it’s not you vs. them; it’s both of you vs. the problem)

  • Communicate how you’d like to move forward

Sharing What You Know

A great way to help kids and teens develop their ability to repair ruptures is to lead by example. When you experience a rupture in your relationship with a young person in your life, model healthy communication by implementing the skills outlined above. Your positive example can have a lasting impact on how that kid or teen views conflict and navigates ruptures in their own life.