Repair

Skill-building

When feelings are big, the potential for misunderstandings can be big as well. It’s important to learn how to navigate conflict in a way that strengthens connection rather than weakening or ending it.

Ruptures and Repairs

A rupture is a break in the connection between two people.
Repair what we do to re-establish connection through healthy communication.

The ability to repair a ruptures in a healthy way is one of the most valuable skills any of us can learn. It’s what allows us to continue to grow a relationship with someone beyond a moment of disconnection.

"Repair is tough. It brings us into contact with our own distress and guilt. And repair is critical."

Dr. Becky Kennedy, PhD Clinical Psychologist and Author of "Good Inside"

Mistakes & Conflicts are Normal

Mistakes Happen

Making mistakes is an uncomfortable yet normal part of supporting someone who is experiencing a loss. It's important that we own and grow from our mistakes. It's equally important that we do not let our shame or frustration shut down continued attempts of support.

Conflict is Healthy

If a kid or teen in your life has experienced a rupture in a relationship, let them know that conflict is normal and healthy. Explain that ruptures are opportunities to strengthen relationships. Assure them that repair is possible and that they can learn skills that will help them navigate this process.

In Practice

Here's what it looks like to respond to conflict using healthy communication strategies that contribute reconnection:

Pause
Acknowledge what happened/ that there is conflict
Communicate your feelings without blaming the other person
Listen to the other person if they share their feelings without getting defensive
If needed, ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand the other person’s point of view.
If appropriate and authentic, apologize for your contribution to the problem
In your mind, separate the person from the problem (i.e., it’s not you vs. them; it’s both of you vs. the problem)
Communicate how you’d like to move forward

: Asia Khan: If you make a mistake and you say something they don't like, don't completely withdraw. Maybe give them some space, but come back, eventually come back. Could be like the next day or you can call them. It's just let them know that, I may not be that very good at this, but I'll still try to do my best to be there for you. Just don't pull away, come back. They'll be waiting for you or they'll hope you'll come back. I think the biggest mistake you can do is completely withdraw. I think that does a lot more damage than people realize.

Sharing What You Know

A great way to help kids and teens develop their ability to repair ruptures is to lead by example. When you experience a rupture in your relationship with a young person in your life, model healthy communication by implementing the skills outlined above. Your positive example can have a lasting impact on how that kid or teen views conflict and navigates ruptures in their own life.