Self-care
Skill-building
Supporting Loss Can Activate Your Own Grief
When we witness and respond to other people's big feelings around loss, it can bring our own pain, grief, and trauma to the surface. This is normal and does not mean you are weak or self-centered. It means you're human.
The Same Skills Apply
All the skills you’ve been reading about in order to guide the child or teen in your life apply to you, too. When your own big feelings come up, you can care for yourself by:
- Practicing mindfulness
Check in with yourself, do a body scan, notice what’s happening in your body (e.g., I feel tightness in my chest; I feel a knot in my stomach; I feel tension in my forehead). - Identifying and naming your emotions
Use feeling words to name your experience (e.g., I feel scared; I feel sad; I feel frustrated). - Being curious about what’s behind your emotions
Approach your own experience with curiosity and humility rather than judgment (e.g., I wonder what about this situation brought up a sense of anxiety?) - Showing yourself compassion
Accept whatever you’re feeling and respond to it with the same kindness you’d extend to a friend (e.g., “This situation is hard. I’m allowed to take some space.”) - Being present with your experience
As uncomfortable as it may be, try to sit with your experience rather than distracting yourself or repressing your emotions (e.g., engaging in maladaptive coping behaviors like using substances, excessive spending/shopping, etc.) - Validating your experience
Give yourself permission to feel exactly what you feel and assurance that it’s okay (e.g. “It makes sense that I feel this way” or “I have a right to feel this way”). - Connecting to yourself and/or connecting to others
If you need time to recharge alone, try to carve out some space for yourself. If you need connection, reach out to a friend or therapist. - Establishing boundaries as needed
Boundaries aren’t just for children and teens—you get to have them, too! Consider the situation that’s activated you, decide what you need to feel safe, and set any necessary boundaries (e.g., “I’m happy to talk about this with you after practice, but I’d appreciate if you wouldn’t text me after 9pm).
If you struggle with extending this care to yourself, you're not alone. Something that can help is to think, "How would I respond if a friend of mine were feeling this way?" It's often easier to access compassion and empathy for others than ourselves.
Examples of Self-Care
What feels soothing to someone else may not have the same effect for you. That's okay. The following are suggestions you might consider trying if they resonate with you:
- Attend a retreat
- Attend a worship service
- Engage in breathwork
- Engage in a creative activity (e.g., coloring, painting, playing an instrument)
- Engage in prayer or meditation
- Exercise
- Get a massage
- Go for a walk
- Journal
- Listen to music
- Practice yoga
- Read
- Snuggle or play with a pet
- Spend time in nature
- Take a hot shower or bath
- Talk with a trusted friend or family member
- Unplug/abstain from social media
Guided Meditation
There are many free guided meditation tools available online. Here is a short body-scan meditation from the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center (MARC).
Sharing What You Know
Openly communicate with the kids and teens in your life about what you do for self-care. State clearly and without shame when you feel like you need it and how you tend to that need. You could say something like, "I notice I've been feeling anxious today, so I'm going to go for a walk in the park to clear my head and move some energy around." Observing a trusted adult engage in self-care can make it easier for a young person to do the same.
If You Need Support
If you or someone you know are having thoughts of suicide, call or text the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988 for confidential, free crisis support.