Offer Validation
Supporting Loss
Supporting others in tough times can be challenging, often leading us to unintentionally say the wrong thing. We’ll outline some of these phrases below, and then offer alternatives for you to pass onto the next generation.
Things People Say
Grief Sucks, a resource for teen grievers created by Experience Camps, offers some great insight on things that tend not to land well with someone experiencing a loss as well as phrases that can feel good to hear.
Many of the examples in these videos can be broken down into some general categories. While responses should always be tailored to the individual, here are some general guidelines to help children and teens avoid common pitfalls and offer more effective support.
Platitudes
These are those clichéd expressions that are the typical go-to response when we communicate with someone experiencing a loss or a challenge. These expressions have been programmed into us and we often say them without ever reflecting on what they actually mean. In a nutshell, platitudes are typically a way of saying, ”You shouldn’t be feeling what you’re feeling” or “I’m uncomfortable with what you’re feeling.” In other words, they are invalidating.
-
“Everything happens for a reason.”
-
“Your mom wouldn't want you to be sad.”
-
“Your grandpa’s in a better place.”
-
“Time heals all wounds.”
Instead of a platitude, try:
-
“I'm here if you want to talk about it.”
-
“It makes sense that this experience has you feeling angry.”
-
“Tell me more.”
-
“That sounds like it's hard.”
Stealing the Show
Where empathy can get tricky is that many of us were taught to “empathize” by sharing our own experiences. We think we’re showing how much we “get it,” and what we may not realize is that we’re actually shifting the focus from them to us. It can be a fine line between empathizing and stealing the show.
Sharing can often lead to comparing. We share our own experience in an attempt to connect. Instead of this strategy conveying a feeling of “I’ve been there, I understand,” it’s often received as “There’s no space for you to talk about your stuff because I want to talk about my stuff.” Any kind of comparison, no matter how subtle, has the potential to invalidate the uniqueness of someone’s experience and can feel dismissive to the person on the receiving end.
Comparing disguised as sharing:
-
“Your dad died? I know how you feel, my grandpa recently died.”
-
“Your mom is in jail? That’s nothing, my mom’s dead.”
-
“I felt the exact same way when I lost my cousin.”
-
“Your mom’s going out of town for a few weeks? That’s nothing. My dad was deployed for a whole year!”
There may come a time when sharing your story might be helpful. For now, just focus on the person you’re trying to support. This is something to be aware of with children. Because young children are naturally egocentric, they can inadvertently shift into this mode when responding to a peer’s loss.
Instead of stealing the show, try:
-
“Your mom is in jail? That really sucks.”
-
“What has this experience been like for you? How are you feeling about it?”
-
“It can be really scary when our parents go away, huh?”
-
“My grandpa died a few months ago and I remember how hard it was for me. I know it's not the same as what you're going through with losing your dad, but if you ever want to hear about my experience, I'd be willing to share.”
Bright-siding
This happens when we tell someone who is struggling to focus on the positives about their situation. While our intentions may be pure, the impact is that the person you’re trying to support ends up feeling unseen, at best, and shamed, at worst. Comments that bright-side subtly communicate that things could be worse. This challenges the person’s right to feel how they feel about their situation and can be hurtful. Bright-siding can take a few different forms.
At Least-ing
Silver Lining-ing
-
“At least your dad didn’t suffer.”
-
“At least your uncle lived a good life.”
-
“At least you had your grandma for as long as you did.”
-
"At least your brother didn't get a longer sentence."
-
“I know you’re sad that we moved, but think of all the new friends you’re going to make!”
-
“Be grateful for all the good times you had together.”
-
“Look how much you’ve grown from this experience!”
-
“Don’t worry, we can get another cat.”
Instead of bright-siding, try:
-
“It makes sense that you miss your friends from your old school. Change can be hard.”
-
“No matter how long we have our people, it never seems like long enough. Tell me about your person.”
-
“I know you had a special bond with Max. Even if we get another dog, I know it won't replace him.”
-
“I'm glad you have nice memories with your brother. You can be grateful and still be sad.”
Shaming
Shaming can be overt or it can be subtle. Sometimes, we don’t even realize we’re doing it. These comments can take different forms, but the negative impact is often the same.
Minimizing Experiences
Minimizing statements masked as “support” downplay the other person’s experience and can leave them feeling invalidated or ashamed of their feelings. This can hinder their ability to process their loss in a healthy way.
-
“It’s just a goldfish, you can always get another one.”
-
“Your dad’s sentence is only 18 months, it’s not like it’s forever.”
-
“Don’t be sad! Your mom is serving our country, you should be proud.”
-
“I don’t understand why you’re so upset? You didn’t even get along with your brother.”
Judging Duration
People often have to combat a lot of misunderstanding about how long grief lasts. Seemingly harmless words can carry a lot of weight and hidden meaning. The word “still” can be a way to suggest subtle disapproval about the duration of someone's experience.
-
“It’s been six months, why are you still so sad?”
-
“You broke up last summer. Why are you still looking at old text messages?”
-
“I can't believe you're still stressing about your grade on that exam.”
Judging Behavior
Another way we might unknowingly convey judgment is by noting differences in how the person experiencing the loss is behaving and how we think we’d behave in a similar situation—or how we've observed others behave.
-
“Don’t you want to go out? I can’t imagine just sitting home alone like that. If it were me, I’d want to be around other people.”
-
“When I didn't make the football team, I didn't mope around, I just focused on track instead.”
-
“Your brother didn’t have any trouble moving from elementary school to middle school.”
Offering "Encouragement"
Sometimes we think that "encouraging" someone to behave in ways that we view as being positive or healthy is helpful. This can insinuate disapproval. The person experiencing a loss might internalize the belief that they're weak, inadequate, or otherwise wrong for feeling the way they do.
-
“Quit being a crybaby! You're tougher than that.”
-
“You need to stay strong for your mom.”
-
“They cheated on you! Have some respect for yourself and move on.”
Instead of shaming, try:
-
“You know, it's normal to feel more than one thing at once. You can be proud of your mom for serving and still be really sad that she's not here with you.”
-
“Do you have a special memory about your aunt who died that you'd feel comfortable sharing with me?”
-
“Friends are so important. It can really hard when they move away and it's okay to be upset about it.”
-
“Take all the time you need.”
-
“I'd be happy to come over and sit with you if you want company but don't feel like going out.”
When in Doubt, Validate
If you’ve ever been stumped about what to say to a friend who was going through a hard time, you’re not alone. The good news is that you have an important tool in your kit that almost always lands better than platitudes, advice, or pep talks. That tool is validation. If someone tells you about something hard that happened to them and shares big feelings they’re having, simply validate their experience.
What validation looks like in practice:
-
“You have the right to feel that way.”
-
“I can understand why you feel that way.”
-
“I can tell this is really important to you.”
It's a Learning Process
If you hear a child or teen in your life use one of these less-than-effective support strategies, don't panic. The goal is to learn and grow. Avoid shaming a child or teen (or yourself) for using less-than-ideal language. As with any new skill, mistakes are normal. When you have a quiet moment with them, initiate a conversation in a non-judgmental way.
Sharing What You Know
The next time someone shares a hardship with you, whether it's a breakup or a bad day at work, pay attention to how you respond. Challenge yourself to pause and consider whether the words you are planning to use are dismissive or validating, then choose the latter. Over time, this shift in communication will become easier. And the kids and teens around you will notice.
