What “Counts” as Loss
Understanding Loss
A key principle for understanding another person’s experience of loss is that it is subjective. Something you might not view as “a big deal” can be deeply distressing for someone else. This video from Instagram does a great job of illustrating just how much grief can be associated with seemingly ordinary events:
Instagram video from: @lillulu2019
Everything Counts
In short, all loss and all grief is valid.
Acknowledgement is Not the Same as Comparison
Sometimes we can confuse acknowledgement with comparison. The grief the child in the Instagram video feels over the falling leaves is real and valid. That doesn’t mean it’s the same as another child who is grieving the death of a caregiver. We can hold compassion and empathy for both experiences without detracting from either.
Video features the following students from the Thomas Jefferson Arts Academy and members of the Elizabeth Youth Theater Ensemble: Harold Gomes, Renee Gomez, Natalia Ocampo, Mary Kate Severe, and Shamar Thomas.
Examples of Loss
The following is by no means an exhaustive list; it’s a starting point to consider the many types of loss people—especially kids and teens—may experience:
Grief can be present in things we consider to be “good,” like graduations, weddings, or any other life event that involves change. And grief can be involved in things we “choose,” like moving or changing friend groups.
A Broad Definition of “Family”
Family can include people that fall outside the concept of "traditional" nuclear family and can include chosen or intentional relationships based on love, care, and mutual support. Some of the same populations that face a higher likelihood of loss also have families that don't fit the traditional definition of a unit related by blood or marriage, often existing outside the same household.
Variations of families:
- Individuals who identify as LGBTQIA+ may have suffered estrangement from their biological family members and formed “found families” with bonds that they feel are stronger than those they share with their blood-relatives.
- In some African American communities, the concept of family is sometimes applied more broadly than the nuclear family and can be composed of cousins, aunts, and uncles as well as family members who may not be related to the person by blood.
- The opioid epidemic led to more grandparents and other relatives raising children because the parents have died, are incarcerated, are using drugs, are in treatment or are otherwise unable to take care of their children.
These are only a few examples of the ways the concept of family can vary.
Key Takeaway
Avoid quantifying how great a person's grief might be based on their biological relationship to the person who died. Instead, stay curious and allow the grieving person to tell you how the loss affects them.
